Married with kids - Should she leave?

Domestic Abuse isn’t something that many of us consider when we get married. The frightening truth is; sometimes, only time can reveal a partner’s abusive disposition. And by the time the abused spouse realizes how bad things can get, it can be too late.

An abusive relationship can leave a lifetime of dehumanizing scars, both emotional and physical. And in the worst cases, abuse can become deadly, That’s why its important to be able to identify an abusive marriage and make your escape before things get too far.

There is a pattern to abuse: how it begins, escalates and how it muddles your mind. According to Refuge, it is, “the repeated, random and habitual use of intimidation to control a partner ….. if you are forced to alter your behavior because you are frightened … you are being abused.”

I ponder over the innumerable calls the Nigerian police would receive if it became liable to report domestic violence melted out to women by their husbands. And that’s not even taking into conscience the women beaten to death by their supposedly devout husbands.

I witnessed a former neighbor get beaten by her husband because the bag he’d bought for her was stolen while she napped at a church vigil. To him, it was plain carelessness on her part. And the beating was supposed to set her straight and be a constant reminder to be more careful with her stuffs. It took the intervention of neighbors to rein him in. And this was just a year into their wedding.

I watched the YouTube video of a woman who described in detail the constant near death beatings; with knives, attempted drowning in a bucket of water where her husband had shoved her face in. She also narrated an incident where the man attempted to bite off her nose with his teeth. She now helps other survivors and is happy, with her three kids, and a business of her own. She has taken her power back.

Minimizing his outrageous tantrums with; ‘all men are like that, or I must endure for my children, or what will people say,’ will keep you in the crappy relationship for life.

Men who beats their wives aren’t doing it because he’s angry, drunk, stressed, insecure, is mentally ill, or whatever excuses people might come up with. He is doing it because he feels he has a right to do it. He is doing it because he has certain beliefs about women which are fully supported by our culture.

In plain words - He’s a misogynist. Millions of men are stressed, insecure, angry, and they don’t abuse their wives.

You don’t have to wait for the broken bones and near death situations before you consider it abuse. Keep in mind that most abusers are apologetic after the abuse. This cycle has many women trapped, hoping that this time the abuse will stop.

Forget about the supposed stigma of being termed a divorced woman. Its better to be a divorced woman than a dead or physically handicapped woman. When you stay in this relationships, you become increasingly depressed and your self esteem plummets.

If you tell someone that what you are doing is wrong and they keep doing it, they don’t care, move on and let them go. The problem though is that leaving someone who is willing to hurt you is difficult and dangerous. You are taking something from them, and its going to make them angry, so its vital to have a plan in place.

You can document the abuse. Take pictures as proof. In addition to this, abusers seem like wonderful people to the outside world. If you can dispel that illusion, you may protect others from abuse. 

Constant anxiety in a marriage is not because you are neurotic. Its called fear… listen to it.