Different Shades of Plantain meals

 1. Ripened Plantain; served with egg sauce and chicken sausage

 2. Ripened Plantain; served with seafood vegetables

3. Unripen plantain curls; served with Seafood vegetables

4. Unripe Plantain ; served with Pomo vegetables

Dear readers, so how do you like your Plantain meals?

Ten simple etiquettes the African woman expects from her husband

1. Assist in carrying luggage and groceries. Weaker vessels is in relation to physical strength.

2. Say ‘well-done’ when we are busy in the kitchen and say ‘Thank you’, after each meal is consumed. It makes us feel appreciated and cherished.

3. Assist with household chores and cooking of meals. Helpmate goes both ways.

4. In as much as we are expected to tolerate your excesses; we too deserve such allowances.

5. Our stretch-marks, fallen breasts and extra flesh is due to the children we bore for you. So avoid comparison with when we were still young and not conceiving. (we don’t complain of the extra pound of flesh where your abs should have been)

6. When we say no to your sexual advances in bed, at night; understand that we do not mean to turn you down out of spite. We are fagged out after: Coming back from our daily jobs, then cleaning; cooking; taking care of the kids, grocery shopping, amidst others. If you help out, things will be done much quicker and assuredly, we will be coming to bed, more energized.

7. Do not make us cry. It has a negative spiritual implication on you.

8. Remember being the HEAD of the home isn’t only by word of mouth and gender. Its by actions.

9. Do not let your family relatives molest us. It makes you look weak and devalued.

10. Whenever you are tempted to hit us, due to misplaced aggravation; remember, we’re the ones who cook your meals. And the one who’s right beside you when you are asleep on the bed. (No harm intended!)

Photo credit: mydailynews.com

Perverts Reverse Psychology Alert 101

Female Teenagers; A collection of dialogues to show your family relation of the male gender, is a first grade pervert. (using a university setting as a case study)

Dialogue one

Early in the evening

A wide shot of the university gate. Undergraduates walking in and out of the school premises. Cuts to a car zooming close, then parking adjacent of the school gate. A close up shot of the man driving the car. He picks up his phone from the seat beside him, scrolls through his contact list, selects the number he wants and dials.

Uncle: Yes, I’m outside the gate. (peers through the review mirror) No, I cant see you. (sigh) No. What are you wearing? A red blouse and blue Jean? Yes the black Jeep.

Cuts to a teenager who approaches the car from behind, a mobile phone, held against her eat.

Teenager: (peeps through the window of the car) Uncle?

Uncle: (stares dumbfounded) You? (disconnects the call as he climbs out of the car.) Whoa! (His eyes rakes her form) You look so different. The last time I saw you, you were like this small (demonstrates with hands)

Teenager: (chuckles)

Uncle: Come and give me a hug (wraps arms about her in a tight hug) Hum mm. (releases her from the hug) I can even feel your boobs. When did you start growing breasts?

Teenager: Ah, uncle

Uncle: I could feel them pressing over my arm. Nice changes. Hope you are not letting all this small boys press them. In fact, I need to inspect them to make sure they are still standing erect? You know I have to take care of you. This is just one of the ways. I have to ensure that everything is still proper and set.

Dialogue two

A close up of Uncle dropping off his teenage niece at her hostel after she’d visited his family. He pulls the car to a stop some kilometres to her house.

Teenager: (stares in amazement) Fuel?

Uncle: (shakes his head) No. I noticed something.

Teenager: (sober) What did I do? Is it Aunt? Is it because I refused to sleep over. I told her I had a test tomorrow and I still have a couple of pass…

Uncle: Its not that. It’s just - (sigh wearily) - I had a quarrel with my wife. For over two days now and she has not allowed me into the bedroom. I sleep in the guest-room.

Teenager: (puzzled) okay

Uncle: Yes. And I don’t want to cheat on her, so I want you to help me out.

Teenager: (eyes widen). How?

Uncle: Lets make out. Kiss and small romance. Nothing heavy. Just help me out. I don’t want to cheat. Do this for your uncle. Or do you want me to go and look for another woman? That’s cheating and I don’t want to cheat. So help me out. Please. There is nothing wrong in helping out a family member.

Third dialogue

A long shot of uncle and his teenage niece in the small one room apartment where he’d come to visit her. He’s sitting on the single plastic chair in front of the reading table stacked with books. His niece is sitting, cross-legged on the bed, eating suya; courtesy, Uncle.

Uncle: So how are lectures?

Teenager: (Swallows the munched meat) Good. Very different from secondary school.

Uncle: And the boys?

Teenager: What boys?

Uncle: (tsks) Don’t tell me no boy has been disturbing you. I saw that boy who dropped off a text book, when I came in.

Teenager: (laughs, slurping water) He’s just my course-mate, uncle. Nothing there. You know I don’t have time for boys. I’m just in 100 level. I need to focus on my studies.

Uncle: (stares speculatively) So you’re still a virgin?

Teenager: (chokes on the meat she’s about to swallow) Uncle!

Uncle: (unabashed) What? (Shakes his head) I don’t believe you. I need proof. If you say you are still a virgin with all the boys I can see around you then I want proof. I’ll check with my finger. Just one finger, Except you’re lying and no longer a virgin; that’s when you will refuse. If you’re really the book worm you’re professing to be, then let me confirm. Just one finger.  

In conclusion, BE WATCHFUL and BEWARE

Photo credit: teen.fightforzero.org

SaveThe Children - The right way.

Act one

Scene one

Early in the morning.

A wide shot of a cab driving along the road towards a lone building on the street. The car packs in front of the one story modern house. A couple is seen exiting the cab, hurriedly making their way towards the building. As they approach the house, they speak..  

Father: Can’t you remember where you left it?

Mother: I think on the dinning table. (shrugs). Calm down dear. We wont miss our flight.

Father: (pushes open the door Moves into the parlor and sights the ID card on the table.) Ah, there it is.

Mother: (observes the silent parlor, thoughtfully) I want to give Regina one last hug before we leave. Come with me?

Father: If we miss our flight….

Mother: (chuckles) We wont. Come on. She might be in her room, studying for her upcoming Junior WAEC. (mulls on the silence) I wonder where that cousin of yours is?

Light foot moves towards their daughters door. They swing it open.

Father: (freezes in shock)

Mother: (Screams at the sight that welcomes her eyes.)

The cousin was forcing himself on their struggling daughter, her pleas muffled by the gag on her mouth.

The cousin halts when he hears the scream. Jerks around. His eyes widen in surprise and then fear. He quickly rolls away from the shivering girl underneath him, pulling up his boxers

Mother: rushes to daughter, to peel off the piece of cloth about her mouth.

A hearty scream rips out from the daughters throat, face wildly panicked as she scrambles up, her naked legs tangling in the sheets and taking her to the floor in a heap.

Mother: Baby, (she whispers, attempts to moves towards her)

Daughter: (rears away from the hand that touched her shoulders, huddles back in sobs and screams knotted in her throat)

Father: What is this? (enraged) What are you doing to my daughter? What is this?

Cousin: Un - c - le (stutters, pulling up his fly)

Mother: Baby (approaches her softly) Its mummy.

Daughter: (unable to stop the tremors, her hands covers her mouth, rocking into a corner)

The mother kneels beside her daughter. Trembling hands envelopes her, even as her daughters eyes remain wild with shock, teeth clattering. The mother whispers soft caring words to her daughter who curls into a ball, whimpering

Daughter: Mum (shudders convulsively)

Mother: (sobs) Oh my baby! (presses a kiss to her temple) 

The father still standing, hands fisted, glares ominously at his cousin. He digs into his pocket to fish out his phone. And dials.

Scene two

Later in the evening

The sitting room.

The curtains are drawn shut. And the luminescence is gotten from the electrical bulb casting shadows on the morose faces. The daughter lays curled in her mothers lap, staring blankly at no one in particular. She is wearing a fresh dress and her hair is still slightly wet from the recent shower.

Aunt: I still can believe he would do such a thing. (shakes her head).

Mother: We have to report to the police. (looks down at her daughter, fresh tears filling up her eyes). He cant go scot-free.

Father: (shakes his head) No. It will bring shame to the family. Do you know how people will look at us? At her?

Aunt: Yes, I agree with my brother. Even Mama said the same thing. Also big brother in Port Harcourt. The stigma will be too much If we say anything, people will talk. Imagine the shame. Imagine the scandal. The disgrace. No, we should keep quiet. Sweep it under the rug.

Daughter: (raises her head from her mothers lap to stare sullenly at them.)

Mother: But he must be punished. (furious) He did an unspeakable thing.

Father: He will be taken back to the village. This is a family matter. There is no need to involve others. No reason to involve the police.

Aunt: Yes. (gives the girl in her mothers arms a soulful look). Besides she’s but a child. She will forget all about it soonest.

Father: (goes to his wife). Don’t worry. It will be fine. Lets put it behind us. It has happened, it has happened. As my sister said, she is a child. (tries to place an affectionate arm on his daughter. She shrinks away.) Children forgets things easily. She wont remember in six months. Sending him back to the village  is sufficient punishment for my cousin. Its well.

Lights fade

  The end

First question?

Is it really a family matter?

Second question.

Do you really think the child will forget due to her age?

And question three.

Is the punishment sufficient?

photo credit: medicalpress.com

Giving your child a voice

ACT ONE

Scene one

Its the middle of the day

A modest sitting room, the curtains are drawn open, permitting the sunlight to stream in, emphasizing the individual and collective family portraits hanging on the wall. Nigerian Father sits on one of the brown sofas, beneath the twirling ceiling fan reading a newspaper.

(one of the inner doors open)

Nigerian Mother walks into the parlour, with Nigerian Children trailing behind her

Nigerian Mother: The children said they have something to tell us (sits down besides the husband)

Nigerian Father: (looks up from his newspapers, adjusts spectacles) Yes.

1^st Nigerian Child: (looks at siblings nervously) Dad, there’s something I want to tell you

Nigerian Father: I’m listening

1^st Nigerian Child: (lips quiver) Daddy, uncle Timothy has been trying to touch me.

Nigerian Mother: (confused) What do you mean touching you? He’s your uncle. There is nothing wrong with that.

2^nd Nigerian Child: (eyes widen) But Mum, he tried to touch her breasts. He said he wanted to find out how big her breast are.

3^rd Nigerian Child: (interjects) And when I walked into the room, he jumped up suspiciously.

Nigerian Father: (incredulously) My brother?

1^st Nigerian Child: Yes daddy.

Nigerian Mother: (shakes her head in disbelief) No. I don’t believe that. You might not have heard him correctly. He must have been saying something else.

Nigerian Father: Yes. That is what must have happened. He’s my brother and he would never do such a thing. I trust him. Do you know he’s even the youth president in his campus fellowship at school? (stares furiously at the children). I’m sure it’s all those movies you’ve been watching that’s putting weird ideas in your head.

3^rd Nigerian Child; But dad…

Nigerian Mother: Shush. When your father is talking you keep quiet. How dear you make such allegations against your uncle? That’s very bad. And he always buys gifts for you whenever he returns from school. Especially you - (points to 1^st Nigerian Child) - and yet you are lying against him? Wasn’t he the one who bought you that pink blouse you’ve wanted for so long?

1^st Nigerian Child: (eyes downcast) Yes, but when…

Nigerian Father: (interrupts angrily) No buts. I don’t want to hear such malicious lies again. Now go to your rooms before I loose my temper. (jerks fingers in the direction of their room). And no television privileges for a month.

Nigerian children exits the parlour

Nigerian Father: (faces Nigerian Mother) I have told you to always caution your children. Imagine if Timothy hears this? Do you know what scandal it will cause? My reputation?

Nigerian Mother: (solemn) I’m sorry, my husband. I’m sure its the shows they watch on television nowadays that’s influencing their minds.

Nigerian Father: My own brother? (shakes his head) Timothy will never do such a thing.

Nigerian Mother: I concur. Lets put the matter behind us, my husband. Your food is ready. Do you want me to serve it?

Nigerian Father: Yes. I’m famished. And isn’t it even Timothy who helped you pound the yam?

Nigerian Mother: Yes oh. Such a hard working boy. Don’t mind the children. Its just a silly prank. They have learnt their lesson. Let me go get your food.

Nigerian mother walks into the kitchen

Nigerian father leans back into the sofa, picks ups his newspaper; resumes reading

Light fade

Scene two

Six months later.

Nigerian Father and Nigerian Mother are in the parlour watching a show on the television

The mobile phone rings

Nigerian Father: (picks up the mobile) Yes

(voice heard over speaker)

Police Officer: This is Sergeant Obi, from the Amuwo Odofin police Division

Nigerian Father: (jerks in his chair, gesturing to Nigerian Mother to tune down the volume of the television set) And why is the police calling me?

(voice heard over speaker)

Police Officer: Are you related to Mr Timothy Evans?

Nigerian Father: Yes, he’s my younger brother. What crime could he have possibly committed? He is a good boy.

(voice heard over speaker)

Police Officer: (snorts) Well, your younger brother was caught in the act of raping a minor he was supposed to be tutoring. Luckily enough, a police officer was around, so he was saved from jungle justice.

Nigerian Father: (mouths drops open) What? That’s impossible! Are you sure its my brother?

Nigerian Mother; What? (anxious) What is it?

(voice heard over speaker)

Police officer: (continues) He was caught in the act, sir. He gave us your number to call as next of kin. Anyway, he’s about to be locked up in a cell and a court case has been filed.

Nigerian father: But.. (stammers) I cant believe this. Can I speak to him, please.

(voice heard over speaker)

Police officer: (pause) One moment

(scuffles in the background is heard through the speaker of the phone)

(voice heard over speaker)

Timothy: Brother please help me. (sobs)

Nigerian Father: Timothy is it true?

(voice heard over speaker)

Timothy: Brother, it was the devil o.

Nigerian Father: The devil? (suddenly annoyed) Did the devil also lead you to my daughter?

(voice heard over speaker)

Timothy: (hesitates) Brother it was not like that. It was the devil. But your sons were always around her, so I couldn’t do anything. Brother it was the devil.

Nigerian Father: (agitated, he smashes the phone against the wall.) 

Nigerian Mother: (tense) What happened?

Nigerian Father: (narrates the news to his wife.) So our children were right all along. And they told us but we choose not to believe them.

Nigerian Mother: (still in shock) Timothy? (wraps her arms about herself) Who would have thought it possible?!

Light fades

The end!

I think the story speaks for itself.

Since it’s more than a word, I’ll rephrase and say: The story is enough for the wise.

Photo credit: marsabitimes.com