When
Jungian Analysts, deal with a patient who have a problem letting his or her
emotions out, they have an exercise in which the patient imagines some
important person in his past sitting in a chair in front of him, and says all
the things to the empty chair that he has never been able to say to the actual
person. It is noted that nine out of ten patients envisage a parent in the
chair rather than a spouse or boss.
The
parent - adolescent relationship is so full of need and expectation on each
side that it all too easily slides into unrealistic expectations, and
unavoidable disappointments. The relationship between a parent and a child is
the most complicated one a person will ever have, even more than between a wife
and husband.
Most
children hold serious grievances against their parents for things done to them
during growing up. In addition, these grievances affect the growing up of the
child, future relationships with others and in his own relationship with his or
her spouse or partner; and in addition children.
That
is why some problems between husband and wife in a marriage may stem from
unresolved conflicts with one or both sets of parents. Some parents give birth
with the notion of trying to correct the atrocities or grievances done to them
when they were still kids or growing up.
Children
are not toys or electrical machinery that you can tune to behave the way you
want them to behave. The quest to have your children reflect acclaim on you by
their accomplishment stop being amusing and becomes disparaging. So stop it and
let them live their lives.
A
child wants, so badly, to please their parents but when this effort is met with
insistent criticism and lack of appreciation, they will get disappointed and
depressed which can lead to serious psychological trauma.
Do
not expect your child to be perfect. We all remember, when a child starts to
take it first steps, he or she falls continually. The parent do not castigate
the child for falling, instead the parents rejoice and applauds, encouraging
the child to do more. They have never tried it before, they are only doing it
for the first time and it is only with continuous practice will they be able to
get it right.
Be
careful of the words that you speak to your children because words are
powerful. They can mend a broken heart and repair a shattered mind. They can
also destroy the child’s confidence and make him or her feel worthless. It is
easier to build up a child than repair an adult. Your words and action have
power, in your child’s life. Use them wisely…
A
very good example of trying to make amends with your child is through what
Mariam Wright Edelman said in her bestselling book, “The measure of our
success” in the chapter entitled. ‘A letter to my sons’ It includes the
following remarkable paragraph:
“I seek your forgiveness for all the
times I talked when I should have listened; got angry when I should have been
patient; acted when I should have waited; feared when I should have delighted;
scolded when I should have encouraged; criticized when I should have
complimented; said no when I should have said yes and said yes when I should
have said no. I did not know a whole lot about parenting or how to ask for
help. I often tried too hard and wanted and demanded too much, and mistakenly
sometimes tried to mold you into my image of what I wanted you to be rather
than discovering and nourishing you as you emerged and grew.”
Outwardly
we may defend and justify ourselves as having been right, out of a misplaced
notion that we are good parents but in our hearts lie buried regrets of all the
things we wish we had done differently. Be brave to take off the armor of parental
expertise and reveal your vulnerability to your children so that they will know
we are all humans who make mistakes yet striving to perfection.
